Up and down. Down and up. Up and down.... I'm stuck on a friggin' see-saw called Fibromyalgia.
Up and Down: While I was pregnant with my first, I had a Fibro remission. 6 weeks after having Roo the Fibro came back with a vengeance. It chewed me up, spat me out, and then did it again. I felt like I was paying the cost of the remission. The next months were pure hell.... (The hell many other Fibro patients face when trying to find treatment and a doctor that gives a fig.)
Down and Up: While pregnant with Alex I had lots of flares, many migraines that sent me to the ER, and the CFS was always on my butt. It was really miserable, physically, mentally, and emotionally. After delivery I felt absolutely great. Some days I even wondered if I was entering into another remission.
Up and Down: I've been trying to do better at my job as a Stay-at-Home-Mom. I've been really motivated to get our apartment back into decent and organized shape after a lot of neglect. I've made some leaps forward that I'm proud of. I've cooked yummier meals in the last 2 months than I had in the past year. I've scrubbed and wiped and cleaned. And I've done it all while keeping the rugrats happy, fed, and out of trouble. But with the increased activity, the pain has been building. Fatigue is sinking into the marrow of my bones. Today I heard a voice in my ear as I got out of bed (It sounded remarkably like the little girl in Poltergeist)..... "It's back!" I acknowledged it and shoved it aside... then pushed myself to get the boys to the park. By the time I collapsed on the couch after getting lunch made, I was done for the day. My body was shot. I hurt, I ached, my back burned, my fingers were about to shatter like glass... And my eyes could barely stay open.
Down: And every time my pain levels rise my anxiety rises too. My mood darkens. My will shrivels. I have to re-learn Fibro.... Again. I had a handle on all this crap before I got "in the family way" with Alex. I had routines, I had methods to deal with Roo, I had meds that (mostly) worked, and I was in a place where flares weren't taking me down emotionally. I was coping far far better than I am now. But then again, I only had one kid to take care of. Now I have 2 - a toddler in an intense "Mommy cling" phase and a three month old that needs to nurse every 2 hours.
And Up: My Silver Linings are that my hubby is still helping. My toddler understands "Mommy doesn't feel good, it's going to be an iPad day." My baby doesn't need much other than my boobs, arms, and some cooing. I know that since I've figured out pacing before, I'll figure it out again. Another is that the flares I've been experiencing have been "mini flares" and have yet to confine me to bed or render me unable to care for the kids..... And for that I am truly grateful.
I can ride this see-saw, I just gotta remember how... And believe that I can.