There are two days of the month that I hate more than any other. The horribleness of these two days even transcends Auntie Flo's monthly visit. Why? Those two days are Pay Days... days where some people get to be excited that they have money again and go out for a steak dinner. For me, though, Pay Day means it is Bill-Paying Day and I have to take our debt, our low checking account, and our virtually non-existant savings... throw it into a blender, and try to make everything fit into one gut-kicking smoothie. And then try to make it fit into our budget.
I'm already done paying the bills for this cycle, and am teetering on the edge of a flare from the residual stress. My keyboard feels as if it's made of tiny needles rather than smooth plastic, my fingers are throbbing and swollen, and I won't even get into the fact that my son is tugging on me and begging me to pick him up and my body just will not do it. I want to cry... and although our finances look dreary and this isn't the financial position we planned to be in... the money isn't the part that sends me reeling into a flare twice a month and causes one of my friends to always check on me while I'm paying bills.
It's the guilt that arises when I see an endless list of huge transactions to CVS pharmacy, co-pays to doctors, and various other places where I get my herbal supplements, massages, bath salts, heating pads... and the occasional wheelchair rental here and there. (Not to mention the other expenses... a new baby stroller I can actually lift into the car that can double as a walking assistant to me is the latest one)
I feel like it is pretty much all my fault we are in this poor financial situation, no matter what others tell me. I know i never asked to get sick, but if I wasn't, things would be very different. Our initial chunk of debt was accrued under the assumption my husband and I would have a dual income to pay it back... But since I've been unable to go back to work that second source of income has dried up to a grand total of.... $0.19/month. (I hold the title of Resident Manager of our apartment complex, although my husband does all the work. We receive a small amount off our rent in exchange for keeping an eye on the property.) The rest of the debt came after I developed Fibro and could no longer work.
I think it would be easier to accept this financial crapolla (and drastically reduce the guilt) if I was physically capable of being June Cleaver. Keeping house, cooking, taking care of kids, etc., is a full time job and a half. If I could handle all these responsibilities the way that I used to when I was going to school I would feel like less of a burden on my husband.
So now, after purging all of these negative emotions, it is once again time to find the Silver Lining in a crappy situation and turn my frown upside down. Here goes....
One Silver Lining is that my husband accepts all of this in stride, telling me that the amount we spend on my health is fine. He doesn't expect me to keep the apartment in the condition i used to be able to... in fact, I think he's more okay living with dust bunnies than I am. Another Silver Lining is the fact that I have learned about juggling our finances, budgeting, and avoid certain stores... something I would have been incapable of doing a few years ago. I can also find comfort in the Silver Lining that this situation is only temporary... that once my SSD is approved I will be bringing in my own income and will feel less guilt about our finances. A Silver Lining can be found in the fact that I am able to have pride that no matter what, the bills are paid and there is food on the table (when I can cook it.)
How do Fibro and Finances interact for you? Do they cause the same problems? Do have Silver Linings to them that you can share?