Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Waiting Game

I feel lost, although I'm not unhappy or depressed per-say.  I just don't know where I am going right now.  Everything, it seems, is in a holding pattern.  

- My social life.... being homebound a great deal of the time means I don't get to go out to play dates, or take frequent trips to the park where I could be meeting other moms. 

- My marriage sometimes seems to always be on hold as well, as my husband and I anxiously await an opportunity for the horizontal tango to not cause me additional pain, or just to cuddle on the couch without me yelling at him not to touch me 'cause it hurts.

- My education is on hold until my children are in school.  This is going to be a long wait, since I only have 1 of the planned 2.5 kids so far.  I know it will be at least 7 more years before I have the opportunity to chase after that Master's Degree in English Lit that I've been salivating over for the last few years. 

- Our financial situation is virtually on hold while I wait to be approved for Disability. We can't make real progress on our debt until we have that income. I've already received my first rejection letter and have a lawyer, but this waiting game could take years... and I'm willing to bet that it will, given my age. What is keeping me sane is that my lawyer only takes "winnable" cases, so at least I stand a good chance of eventually being approved.

- There's the pain and fatigue that never goes way, suspending us by our eyelids over boiling oil... forcing us to await the drop into a flare. I'm always waiting for the pain to ramp up, or waiting for it to go down... waiting for pills to kick in or work out of my system... you all know the drill.

I don't know what my Silver Lining is here, so I'm asking for your help this time.  Can you find a Silver Lining in this waiting game that we all play?