Friday, September 2, 2011

The Cane Belongs to Fibro, Not Me....

Tonight I was going through the posts in my support group and came upon one that struck close to home. A friend was wishing for her old self back... not liking the changes she has had to make in her life to compensate for her Fibromyalgia. She lamented the need for a bath seat, and a cane. Yesterday another friend texted me for hours, trying to accept the fact that at 30 she is taking more medications than a friend who is a cancer patient.
I'm younger than both of them... and I've already had to make these adjustments too. I made some of them long ago (I've been on medications since I was 15), while the safety bar in my shower was only installed hours ago. At the ripe old age of 26 I got to walk into my apartment complex's office where I used to be a manager and request a safety bar so I could get out of the bathtub on my own. Talk about killing a girl's outlook on her future!
But as I was reading the posts tonight, it hit me. It doesn't matter what I need to do to get around, because it doesn't change who I am. Canes, walkers, braces, multiple ice packs, pain medicines, multiple tubes of Bengay on the dresser, heated car seats, hours and hours in a bed... that's NOT ME.
It's that thing I share my body with... Fibromyalgia.
Because I still laugh, I still cry, I still smile and frown... I still love my husband and my son, worship the ground my daddy walks on, and consider my mommy my best friend. I am still Auntie to 9 amazing children, and mommy to a little boy so beautiful and smart I still don't believe it's possible he came out of this body. I still love to read, get all tingly at the thought of seeing Phantom of the Opera live, and love chocolate. I still think that green olives are nasty, and black ones nearly ambrosia.
While I might need a cane sometimes, and might need it all the time by next year... and whether I take more medications than my near centenarian grandmother did, it doesn't change the fact that my dream trip would include seeing every place that Laura Ingalls Wilder lived.
If I've changed since Fibro decided to join up with the CFS... so what? I am a stronger woman, I have more compassion, and more perspective. I have developed new passions that I frankly enjoy more than my old ones, and I am actually liking who I am for the first time in my life.
And of course, if I never had Fibro, I would have never met so many amazing people and made so many caring friends or been a part of something so accepting and inclusive as this very diverse group of people who share so much in common.

So there ya go... that's a heck of a lot of Silver Linings to my Fibromyalgia.

1 comment:

  1. I HAVE TO SAY THAT I'M SO TIRED OF APOLOGIZING TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR HAVING THIS ILLNESS AMONGST OTHERS. I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS I DIDNT ASK TO BE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF PAIN OR TO WALK WITH A CANE AND NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THE THINGS MY CHILD WANTS TO BECAUSE I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN AND TO TIRED! I DIDNT ASK TO HAVE A CHAIR IN MY SHOWER BECAUSE WHEN I STAND TO LONG I FALL I DIDNT ASK TO HAVE MY 10 YEAR OLD LEARN HOW TO FEND FOR HERSELF AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE BECAUSE MOMMY CANT GET UP TODAY OR SHE CANT WALK AND THE WORST THING IS TELLING MY CHILD PLEASE HELP ME TO GET INTO THE SHOWER OR GET DRESSED SORRY I CANT TAKE YOU OUT BECAUSE I CANT GET UP TODAY! I DONT WANT THIS ILLNESS I HAVE ARTHRITIST AND DDS AND CHRONIC MIAGRAINES ON TOP OF THIS MY PILL BAG SOUNDS LIKE A SET OF MARACAS BEING PLAYED. IM TIRED OF BEING LOOKED AT LIKE I'M CRAZY OR TELLING SOMEONE I'M SORRY. WHY DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS?? MY LIFE HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN AND EVERYDAY I FACE A NEW BATTLE OR PAIN. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME OH YOUR YOUNG THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU JUST LIKE THE MEDICATION OR YOUR LAZY AND JUST DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED. WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES WHEN I CANT MOVE OR SLEEP THE MUSCLE PAINS AND ACHES ARE SO BAD THAT I DONT EVEN WANT TO PUT ON CLOTHES BECAUSE IT HURTS SO BADLY OR NOT BEING ABLE TO HUG MY CHILD OR PLAY WITH HER OR TAKE HER OUT BECAUSE PHYSICALLY I JUST CANT OR ALWAYS SAYING I'M SORRY TO MY HUSBAND AND FREINDS AND FAMILY FOR NOT BEING UP TO SOMETHING! IM TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING ANGRY WITH ME, I'M THE ONE WHO IS SICK BUT I HATE TO ASK FOR HELP BECAUSE IT JUST CAUSE'S MORE ANXIETY FOR ME BECAUSE OF THE LOOKS OR LIST OF QUESTIONS I HAVE TO FACE. MY SPOUSE SUFFERS MY CHILD SUFFERS AND I FEEL GUILTY ALL THE TIME. MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT MY DAUGHTER WILL BE DIAGNOSED WITH THIS. EVERYTIME SHE TELLS ME SHE HAS AN ACHE OR A PAIN MY HEART POUNDS SO HARD I EXPECT IT TO COME OUT OF MY CHEST! TELL ME WHERE ARE THE SUPPORT GROUPS FOR US?? FOR OUR CHILDREN?? IS MY CHILD GOING TO HATE ME OR RESENT ME WHEN SHE GROWS UP FOR ALL THE THINGS I COULDNT DO WITH HER??? THE ONLY SILVER LINING I SEE IS THAT MY DAUGHTER IS A VERY INTELLEGENT AND BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN. WHO HAS HAD TO GROW UP TOO FAST BECAUSE OF ME!!!

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