Revisiting My Terms

The weather's (finally) changing, the barometer is all-the-heck all over the place, i can't get warm, my kid seems to weigh 80 lbs and my body aches like I've got the same flu that gave me Fibro in the first place.  But I'm not sick, oh no... I'm just heading into a Flare.

The mindset that goes with it is nearly always the same: I feel like i want to cry. My brain says I'm a huge disappointment for letting *IT* win again.  Last night, I barely managed to cook dinner... tonight, my husband will come home and have to take over for me... again.  He'll be nurse to me and caretaker to our child, as well as chef and maid while I lay alone in our bed.  (I almost feel like I'm the second child with how badly I need to be taken care of right now.) Depression is creeping up on me like Count Dracula himself, sucking the life out of me.

Given the strength and repetitive nature of these negative feelings, I began to believe that I am no longer coping with having Fibro and CFS as well as I was a few months ago.  Frankly, being sick is starting to bug me again.  It's infuriating, because I felt at peace with myself only a few months ago.  In the search to figure out how this happened,  I realized that the Terms of Agreement for having Fibro that I set for myself have slipped completely out of my mind.

These Terms were meant to be my roadmap on this painful journey, and a way to keep my spirit in one piece and at peace.  Somehow I lost that map... and my emotions went straight back to the beginning.  I'm hoping that by "reevaluating" how I'm meeting these terms i may figure out where I'm falling off the Happy Wagon.  Therefore I begin again, hoping to identify where I got lost last time.

My Terms of Agreement "Self-Evaluation"

1. I will take all medications and supplements that may help me (and that I can afford.) I will take them as scheduled. - I've been pretty bad about this one.  I have to eat to take my pills, and since I usually forget to eat, I usually forget to take my AM pills at the least.  So I guess I need to commit myself to eating... and eating healthy.
2. I will not be a martyr. If I need to sit, I will sit. If I need to go home and go to bed, I will go home and go to bed. If I need a pain pill, I will take it - I've gotten much better at resting, but not taking the needed pain pills.  I started feeling like a donkey's rear for taking so much medication and I stopped taking the pain ones.  Stopping my pain medication hasn't helped me at all, I just feel worse.
3. I will pace myself, even if it takes a week to clean one room of the house. If I overdo it, I will accept the consequences and allow my body time to heal. - Getting better at this one.... slowly....
4. If I can't do something I am asked to do, I will say “no” without guilt. - The without guilt part is still hard.  
5. I will be grateful for what I can do, and not lament what I cannot. - I have to say I've gotten a heck of a lot better at this one.  There's always room for improvement, but I am making progress in this area.
6. I will not invest myself in the hope that the next thing I try will be a cure. I will not focus on a cure until there is one; instead I will focus on managing my symptoms. - I'm feeling jaded lately, and no longer believe in a cure.  When my rheumy told me that the HCG therapy could cause me as much nausea as pregnancy did, it went on the "not feasible" shelf along with going to the Fibro and Fatigue Center.
7. I will not be ashamed of having Fibromyalgia OR taking any necessary medications. I will not let ignorance cause me additional pain and stress. Instead, I will take every opportunity I am given to spread awareness and erase ignorance. - Oops.  By not taking my pain pills I've really blown this one.
8. If I can't make myself feel better, I will put my energy into helping someone else feel better. I may not be able to help their pain any more than I can help mine... but I can try to help them smile and cope. - Running the SLOF page and group helps me keep on track with this goal.
9. I will not waste my time or energy on things that I cannot change, whether they are related to my illness or just a part of life. If I can't change something, then it is not worth fretting over. - That's why I'm writing this blog, and recommitting to these Terms.  I only seem to fret when I'm not focused on them.
10. And most importantly: I WILL find the Silver Lining to having Fibromyalgia. I will no longer make pain the focus of my thoughts, heart, and soul. - Hey, maybe I'm doing better than I thought, because I do pretty good at this one when I'm not flaring.

I'm not doing too bad, heck, one might even consider that I'm overall doing well at following these Terms. Overall, I am.... until I flare.  Then I stop taking care of myself, ignore the Terms, and just let myself feel like crap.  So I guess it's time to conquer the hard part, be a big girl, and recommit to the Terms.

Here it goes.......!

The Cane Belongs to Fibro, Not Me....

Tonight I was going through the posts in my support group and came upon one that struck close to home. A friend was wishing for her old self back... not liking the changes she has had to make in her life to compensate for her Fibromyalgia. She lamented the need for a bath seat, and a cane. Yesterday another friend texted me for hours, trying to accept the fact that at 30 she is taking more medications than a friend who is a cancer patient.

I'm younger than both of them... and I've already had to make these adjustments too. I made some of them long ago (I've been on medications since I was 15), while the safety bar in my shower was only installed hours ago. At the ripe old age of 26 I got to walk into my apartment complex's office where I used to be a manager and request a safety bar so I could get out of the bathtub on my own. Talk about killing a girl's outlook on her future!

But as I was reading the posts tonight, it hit me. It doesn't matter what I need to do to get around, because it doesn't change who I am. Canes, walkers, braces, multiple ice packs, pain medicines, multiple tubes of Bengay on the dresser, heated car seats, hours and hours in a bed... that's NOT ME.

It's that thing I share my body with... Fibromyalgia.

Because I still laugh, I still cry, I still smile and frown... I still love my husband and my son, worship the ground my daddy walks on, and consider my mommy my best friend. I am still Auntie to 9 amazing children, and mommy to a little boy so beautiful and smart I still don't believe it's possible he came out of this body. I still love to read, get all tingly at the thought of seeing Phantom of the Opera live, and love chocolate. I still think that green olives are nasty, and black ones nearly ambrosia.

While I might need a cane sometimes, and might need it all the time by next year... and whether I take more medications than my near centenarian grandmother did, it doesn't change the fact that my dream trip would include seeing every place that Laura Ingalls Wilder lived.

If I've changed since Fibro decided to join up with the CFS... so what? I am a stronger woman, I have more compassion, and more perspective. I have developed new passions that I frankly enjoy more than my old ones, and I am actually liking who I am for the first time in my life.

And of course, if I never had Fibro, I would have never met so many amazing people and made so many caring friends or been a part of something so accepting and inclusive as this very diverse group of people who share so much in common.

So there ya go... that's a heck of a lot of Silver Linings to my Fibromyalgia.