Revisiting My Terms

The weather's (finally) changing, the barometer is all-the-heck all over the place, i can't get warm, my kid seems to weigh 80 lbs and my body aches like I've got the same flu that gave me Fibro in the first place.  But I'm not sick, oh no... I'm just heading into a Flare.

The mindset that goes with it is nearly always the same: I feel like i want to cry. My brain says I'm a huge disappointment for letting *IT* win again.  Last night, I barely managed to cook dinner... tonight, my husband will come home and have to take over for me... again.  He'll be nurse to me and caretaker to our child, as well as chef and maid while I lay alone in our bed.  (I almost feel like I'm the second child with how badly I need to be taken care of right now.) Depression is creeping up on me like Count Dracula himself, sucking the life out of me.

Given the strength and repetitive nature of these negative feelings, I began to believe that I am no longer coping with having Fibro and CFS as well as I was a few months ago.  Frankly, being sick is starting to bug me again.  It's infuriating, because I felt at peace with myself only a few months ago.  In the search to figure out how this happened,  I realized that the Terms of Agreement for having Fibro that I set for myself have slipped completely out of my mind.

These Terms were meant to be my roadmap on this painful journey, and a way to keep my spirit in one piece and at peace.  Somehow I lost that map... and my emotions went straight back to the beginning.  I'm hoping that by "reevaluating" how I'm meeting these terms i may figure out where I'm falling off the Happy Wagon.  Therefore I begin again, hoping to identify where I got lost last time.

My Terms of Agreement "Self-Evaluation"

1. I will take all medications and supplements that may help me (and that I can afford.) I will take them as scheduled. - I've been pretty bad about this one.  I have to eat to take my pills, and since I usually forget to eat, I usually forget to take my AM pills at the least.  So I guess I need to commit myself to eating... and eating healthy.
2. I will not be a martyr. If I need to sit, I will sit. If I need to go home and go to bed, I will go home and go to bed. If I need a pain pill, I will take it - I've gotten much better at resting, but not taking the needed pain pills.  I started feeling like a donkey's rear for taking so much medication and I stopped taking the pain ones.  Stopping my pain medication hasn't helped me at all, I just feel worse.
3. I will pace myself, even if it takes a week to clean one room of the house. If I overdo it, I will accept the consequences and allow my body time to heal. - Getting better at this one.... slowly....
4. If I can't do something I am asked to do, I will say “no” without guilt. - The without guilt part is still hard.  
5. I will be grateful for what I can do, and not lament what I cannot. - I have to say I've gotten a heck of a lot better at this one.  There's always room for improvement, but I am making progress in this area.
6. I will not invest myself in the hope that the next thing I try will be a cure. I will not focus on a cure until there is one; instead I will focus on managing my symptoms. - I'm feeling jaded lately, and no longer believe in a cure.  When my rheumy told me that the HCG therapy could cause me as much nausea as pregnancy did, it went on the "not feasible" shelf along with going to the Fibro and Fatigue Center.
7. I will not be ashamed of having Fibromyalgia OR taking any necessary medications. I will not let ignorance cause me additional pain and stress. Instead, I will take every opportunity I am given to spread awareness and erase ignorance. - Oops.  By not taking my pain pills I've really blown this one.
8. If I can't make myself feel better, I will put my energy into helping someone else feel better. I may not be able to help their pain any more than I can help mine... but I can try to help them smile and cope. - Running the SLOF page and group helps me keep on track with this goal.
9. I will not waste my time or energy on things that I cannot change, whether they are related to my illness or just a part of life. If I can't change something, then it is not worth fretting over. - That's why I'm writing this blog, and recommitting to these Terms.  I only seem to fret when I'm not focused on them.
10. And most importantly: I WILL find the Silver Lining to having Fibromyalgia. I will no longer make pain the focus of my thoughts, heart, and soul. - Hey, maybe I'm doing better than I thought, because I do pretty good at this one when I'm not flaring.

I'm not doing too bad, heck, one might even consider that I'm overall doing well at following these Terms. Overall, I am.... until I flare.  Then I stop taking care of myself, ignore the Terms, and just let myself feel like crap.  So I guess it's time to conquer the hard part, be a big girl, and recommit to the Terms.

Here it goes.......!

Terms of Agreement for a Fibromite

I believe things happen for a reason. It might be a bad reason, not really thought completely through by the powers that be, or it may be a completely invisible one. But I do believe there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. It's easy to believe that I got Fibromyalgia because life is unfair. I can be a victim and lay back in bed and cry away every day. I can wallow in my pain and let Life go on around me, watching and not participating

Or I can believe that I got Fibromyalgia for a reason. There were qualities and experiences in my life that I was lacking... that I never would have had if I hadn't gotten so sick. (If you have Fibromyalgia, you know the basic story of what we went through those first months/years. Someday I'll share the “how I got sick” story, but it's not really relevant to this one.)

When I hit a remission during my pregnancy, part of me hoped that I would be one of the few women that pregnancy cured. When the Fibro returned again about 6 weeks after giving birth, I had a major break down. This was NOT the way I wanted to be raising my son.

Desperation and depression drove me to begin utilizing the support groups on Facebook. I became extremely active in a particular group, and began to find friends that really understood what I was going through. My mom (a long time chronic pain sufferer) and I bonded in our pain. I read a book called “How to Be Sick,” which helped me finally accept that Fibromyalgia was just going to be a part of my life and I was going to be sharing my body with it for a long time.... the book made me realize I needed to learn to cope with my life TODAY, instead of worrying about what would greet me when I open my eyes tomorrow. I decided that if I was going to share my body with this syndrome, it was going to be on my terms.

I suppose it was natural that these terms blended into the experiment with positive thinking I started with the Facebook group a few months ago. I made a conscious effort to try to change the way I thought and felt about being sick. My life slowly improved from almost every angle. My relationship with my husband swiveled to “amazing.” Coping with a teething, crawling 6 month old was easier. I was able to let go of the things I couldn't change like the pile of dishes by the sink and the people who didn't really get that I was sick. As emotions became more stable, the Fibro did too. I'm still in physical pain each, but the emotional pain I had been under for the past several years was lifting and I began to co-exist with my illness instead of letting it run my life.

Then something wonderful happened. I didn't have to consciously implement the terms... they started to become natural to me.... and for the first time in my life external stressors and “what-ifs” didn't send me into a tailspin of emotions and anxiety attacks. I was coping with Life better than I ever had pre-Fibro. Part of me wants to wonder: “If I never had Fibromyalgia, would I have ever learned to chill out?”

But that would be against my terms, so I won't. I refuse to look this gift horse in the mouth.

Here my "Terms of Agreement for a Fibromite":

1. I will take all medications and supplements that may help me (and that I can afford.) I will take them as scheduled.

2. I will not be a martyr. If I need to sit, I will sit. If I need to go home and go to bed, I will go home and go to bed. If I need a pain pill, I will take it.

3. I will pace myself, even if it takes a week to clean one room of the house. If I overdo it, I will accept the consequences and allow my body time to heal.

4. If I can't do something I am asked to do, I will say “no” without guilt.

5. I will be grateful for what I can do, and not lament what I cannot.

6. I will not invest myself in the hope that the next thing I try will be a cure. I will not focus on a cure until there is one; instead I will focus on managing my symptoms.

7. I will not be ashamed of having Fibromyalgia OR taking any necessary medications. I will not let ignorance cause me additional pain and stress. Instead, I will take every opportunity I am given to spread awareness and erase ignorance.

8. If I can't make myself feel better, I will put my energy into helping someone else feel better. I may not be able to help their pain any more than I can help mine... but I can try to help them smile and cope.

9. I will not waste my time or energy on things that I cannot change, whether they are related to my illness or just a part of life. If I can't change something, then it is not worth fretting over.

10. And most importantly: I WILL find the Silver Lining to having Fibromyalgia. I will no longer make pain the focus of my thoughts, heart, and soul.