Wednesday, March 4, 2015
A little look into my life...
Monday, February 23, 2015
Why Opioids Scare Me (After 15 Years of Prescribed Use)
I was first prescribed Narcotics when I was about 14. I remember my first bottle of Tylenol #3 like it was yesterday, and the pediatrician that gave it to me. It was because of this first doctor's belief in my pain (at the time, very frequent migraines) that she was the first and only pediatrician we considered when Robbie was born. I quickly grew tolerant, and it became Percocet. Then Fioricet. In between, Vicodin... and a lot of it.
By the time I graduated High School I had a standing refill for Vicodin because of my migraines.
I spent twenty-four hours a day on Percocet for about three weeks after an "oral surgeon" botched my wisdom teeth surgery in 2007. A couple more weeks on Percocet after an emergency cystectomy a few months later., and about 6 weeks non-stop Norco for knee pain that was bad enough to keep me off my feet throughout the start of 2008. By June, I had blown into my very first Fibromyalgia flare that lasted until my first pregnancy in 2010.
From then on I was on Norco daily. In January 2013 I started morphine; in February I put on my first Fentanyl patch. (When they asked if I was opiod-tolerant, I actually giggled.)
I mean it when I say I have been on opioids for more than half of my life. I turn 30 in June.
When my doctor, whom had prescribed 90% of these medications for me over my lifetime, first told me that because of the drug laws passed in 2014 she was no longer prescribing pain medicine to anyone I freaked out. They were sending me to pain management and throughout every doctor who had refused me anything that helped (Not going over those multitudes or anything else I tried along the way, this post is 100% about the narcotics.) I panicked over losing my pain meds... the only thing that somewhat made me functional.
But I was still REALLY sick. I had spent the last year throwing up and lost somewhere around 90 pounds. We thought the Fentynal might be to blame, but figured they wouldn't give me anything.
What they did end up giving me was worth far more: belief, complete and whole hearted, in my pain. And a STRONG desire to fix it, not just cover it up. And a little important knowledge; I had become intolerant to my fallback, my safety net... we tried backing me off of the patches slowly, but I only grew sicker. Patches didn't last their full intended length of time and my withdrawal symptoms were extremely violent. I had developed "Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia." I had to get off of every single narcotic, and get off of them fast.
We forced me into an acute withdrawal, and they treated me with Suboxone, the same substance used in detox centers for heroin withdrawal. My next step is Low-Dose Naltrexone, a complete opioid blocker with a remarkable reputation for treating symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
So now I'm terrified of others reacting how I did. I'm scared that my friends and family with chronic pain and long-term (even appropriate, doctor supervised) medication use may also be suffering from their own attempts at making themselves better. Or one day, will. That one terrifies me to no end. So I get hyper-aware, always trying to see if they exhibit the same symptoms I was exhibiting. Not out of judgement, but out of the same fear a person who has experience flying through the windshield of a car has for people who don't wear seat-belts. Out of "What if..." and "I can't bear anyone else experiencing my pain."
And it's not because of narcotics, or even medication, per say... it's because I grew so complacent in my treatment that when I started throwing up every day I just assumed it was my Fibro. (Doc didn't care, she was just happy I was losing so much weight.) I assumed the increase in aches and pain were Fibro. But they weren't - it was due to my meds. As I learned after coming off the opioids, my Fibro was the same as ever... no better or worse, although I felt 1,000 times better and became predominately functional again. I even bought a bike! (Although I haven't used it yet, between weather and pain...) Now I primarily am treated with vitamin therapies, chiropractic, massage, and soon the LDN. And once again I have hope of being functional most days of the week, because I am.
It's just one more reminder to never grow complacent in your journey to be healthy and happy.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Mom's Comment
In the blog I wrote the other day about addiction vs. dependency and Robbie's birthday party (see: Robbie's 2nd Birthday: The One With Regrets) I got a comment that meant the world to me, and apparently to a lot of other people as well. This is what my mom wrote in response:
I support Erin's post. Although I am one who has loved and supported her for 29 years, I had my doubts about some of the ways she acted and sometimes the way she has responding to medication in the past. I now know the difference between addiction and dependency. If you're an addict because you take opiates or pain meds, then I'm an addict. I have taken pain medication for over 30 years. It has its ups and downs but I keep to my doctors orders. I don't misuse it and it allows me to function at some level. I never experience a high from taking anything, because I never take more than prescribed. It would be fun to feel good and silly for a while but that doesn't happen. It takes the edge off the pain and lets me move and talk and become a part of society. So if I am an addict because of that then I'm an addict. I don't believe that I am; I am dependent on pain medication to help me live my life.
In addition I employ other alternative methods for easing my pain; not all includes medication, and I'm finding the right combination that works best for me. It's a point everyone with any kind or level of pain should set a goal to reach, regardless of what their pain is all about. When you reach the point that you're ready to make changes, you make changes. And the people who love you will support you. I deeply regret misleading anyone during the period of my daughter's lowest lows. I understand now, and hope others will work at finding that understanding.
Love you with all my heart, Erin, and want you to live a happy and healthy life.
This message has been approved by Nana Becky. That's me.
I'm still tearing up. Thank you, Mama.
Love you with all my heart, Erin, and want you to live a happy and healthy life.
This message has been approved by Nana Becky. That's me.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Robbie's 2nd Birthday - The One With Regrets (by Erin)
Edit: My Mom's Response
Friday, January 2, 2015
New Year, New Hope. (I hope.)
But by late summer my tolerance was up and the patch just didn't cut it. The FDA changed their rules and my precious Norco became a REALLY controlled substance. My doctor cut me off, along with all of her other patients. She refused to prescribe any pain medications anymore, to anyone, for any circumstance.... and with no warning. I was shuttled into a pain management program, filled with fear as to what they would do... if they even "believed" in Fibro.
As I feared, but also secretly hoped, the doctors at the pain clinic do not treat Fibro with pain medications... especially opioids. The anesthesiologist's first demand for me was to start weaning off the Fentanyl. The naturopath's was an elimination diet to see if food allergies were influencing my pain (none found), as well as a huge mess of blood tests that included micronutrient testing that we're still waiting on results for. The therapist and I have begun CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to rewire my brain's perceptions and reactions... and she has demanded I kickstart this blog and SLOf as a whole back up in addition to keeping a journal.
This month I will be undergoing a Suboxone treatment plan to get my body off the opioids, as the tapering process I've been doing for the last couple months has caused way too many withdrawal problems and takes a really long time to complete. I don't really know what to expect outside of a complete hell during the forced withdrawal before I can take the Suboxone, but my eyes are on the prizes: NOT waking up in an opioid withdrawal every 3 days... the Fibro pain is bad enough without adding to it. NOT having to pay attention to a little clear sticker on my bikini area, NOT remembering to replace patches, NOT picking up an RX every month. NOT being addicted. NOT having side effects.
As scared as I am for the process and the additional pain I will be facing during that forced withdrawal and afterwords (when I will have no more pain medication other than Advil), I'm more hopeful than I've been for an incredibly long time. My naturopath will be doing vitamin therapies with me, as well as chiropractic and PT. My therapist will continue to hold my hand through the process and teach me how to take each step, to think positively, to use breathing and meditation to quiet my nerves and pain. And maybe the anesthesiologist can find something safer that works a little bit better than ibuprofen.
So... I'm taking off on a journey to well-being again. Anyone coming along? I'm determined it will end in a better place than it started.
May it be a Happy New Year.
Oh no, not the way to start a new year..
Well 2014 was a very trying year... I had a roller coaster of a year. I became engaged to an amazing man. We are working hard on getting things together and organized so we can get married.
My mother has been in and out of the hospital battling the advanced stages of COPD. We are blessed that she is still with us. I was denied my disability, appealed, denied the appeal, and now going to the Federal Court for an appeal. My ex-husband had a heart attack and thankfully survived.
With all that I have been dealing with you can only begin to imagine the level of pain I have been experiencing. I have a great pain management regime now and I am blessed for that. This last year also brought on my first Lupus flare. Omgoodness!!!! I could have lived my whole life and never went into active Lupus, but no it decided to rear its ugly head.
Now on January 5, 2015, I will be going in to request a new MRI. I feel the degenerative disc disease I have has progressed to a very frightful state. If my feelings are true I am facing back surgery. I am Mom to two very active, special needs having, and loving children. They are 6 and 8. I'm more fearful of surgery because I have to provide their every need. How do I take them to school, doctors appointments, and provide for them while I'm recovering?
It's not the way I thought I would be starting my new year. I'm scared, confused, and excited. If the surgery will help with the unbearable and undescribable pain I'm in, then it will be a huge blessing. That is what I'm keeping my eye on. It will be amazing to be able to bend without the sharp, stabbing and debilitating pains in my spine.